The concept of total surrender sounds incredibly sanctified, I’ll admit. But it does sum up what I’m about: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. This includes the Great Commission, praying, worshiping, speaking about Jesus, healing people, and more.I believe that, to a certain degree, one can do these things without fully embracing total surrender. In fact, I’d say much of the global Church has yet to commit to that part of the contract. Being saved by grace has, in many cases, become a comfortable cushion to fall back on, rather than an acceptance of the ongoing conversation with God—one that He has invited us into through His Son.
I am most definitely not saying this to criticize the worldwide Church of Christ but to share my honest thoughts.I believe we can choose to interpret the Bible in various ways because we are beings with free will. The evidence of this is seen in the approximately 45,000 Christian denominations globally.
That's 45,000 different ways or nuances of reading the Bible—some so similar that even they struggle to distinguish themselves, while others are so opposed you'd think they belonged to entirely different religions. Yet, all believe they are doing the right thing.
How is that possible when there is One God, One Bible, One Gospel, and One Spirit?
It’s because we were created in the image of God.
God has free will, creativity, mind, heart, spirit, emotions, and various facets (for lack of a better term).
If we are made in His image, we reflect these attributes, right? And yet—and this is a big 'and yet'—God is nothing like us. He is all-knowing, omnipresent, all-powerful, Spirit, everlasting, uncreated, immortal, and THE wisdom, as in the source of all wisdom in heaven and on earth. And so much more.So when we talk about being created in His image, we need to keep this in mind. Like a mirror, we reflect God; we are a likeness, an image of Him.
The original, however, remains the original. When you look into a mirror, you see a three-dimensional reflection, but you can’t hug your reflection because it’s not a body—just an image of your body.Given that God knows all, shouldn’t we trust that He might understand certain details about life that we have yet to grasp?
If we can agree on that, we’re on the right path. We might even come to agree that Scripture, inspired and breathed by the Holy Spirit, is worth taking very seriously.
Now, imagine for a moment that we read Scripture without projecting our own will onto it—instead, letting it speak to us on its own terms. Amazing, right?
Imagine using that free will not to opose or question scripture but know it and do it.
The environment and people
This is where things get interesting.
After remembering my God, I waited a long time for some of my friends (the ones who were non-believers) to start giving me the silent treatment or chastise me. Pretty much 99% of them, however, were more like, "Whatever. As long as it makes you happy and we get to hang out". In fact, the first time one of my non-believing friends had a go at me, I was totally caught by surprise and, for the longest time, didn’t even know how to react. He is this super smart, super capable, super ambitious, and very informed type of guy who will talk you down in your field of expertise simply by talking about his field of expertise and drawing plousible arguments from there, making you feel dumb and uneducated in no time. I was not prepared and hardly managed to piece together why I believed and what I believed in a way that I could actually give him good answers.
That happened years ago, and while he keeps purposely trying to trigger me every now and then, he pretty much always shows how much he cares. He listens, hypes me up, encourages, supports, and is actually pretty verbal about wanting to spend purposeful time. He lets me see his faults or asks for my advice on decisions that really matter to him. Now, this was outside of a Christian environment, later on in a church setting.
My Christian brothers and sisters, however, did have their opinions about what I did, thought, or believed. Some reacted amazed, some happy, some confused, some not convinced or indiferent...
Even though some friends were supportive, I feel like, many times, I was disregarded from the start because most of them knew to a certain extent that I had been running around in the streets like an orphan before I was found by Jesus and brought back.
I think for some of my close christian friends I was the subject of pitty, firendly correction and encouragement or just missunderstanding. I think some never found out if I was to be take serious or not, if I was reliable for council or even wisdom, because of m past. I remeber even being called a "baby to rlationship" because I had no marriage or long dating period within the christian comunity to show for. I was the odd one out and yet I don't think anyone ever meant for it to be so. Felt like the "damaged good" that they loved nonetheless.
Having experienced the most teachable moments of my life through failed relationships and being so desperate for wisdom, I thought that was a complete misconception of who I am and a misjudgment of my credibility. Apart from the sinful nature of past relationships, God has given me so many gifts in areas like helping and serving, loyalty and support, submission, and being teachable. By His grace, He chose to weave those qualities into me. However, the enemy used each of them to attract exactly the wrong kinds of people because I was walking outside of God's will.
As unbelievable as this might sound, I still lived out many biblical principles within the mess, mostly unknowingly and seemingly unable to help it. Looking back, I can see that it was always there. The fact that the end of each relationship seemed to have it's own life lesson specifically cut out for me only adds to the realization that I had been in a state of unawareness, which could have easily led to hurt or resentment. After all I had been through, God had taught me through my own mistakes. Now, being in a place where I was keeping every brother at a distance to focus on the Lord, I really didn’t expect that comment. Especially considering that other people would ask me for advice on their relationships and found my guidance helpful, it made me reconsider whether that was a fair assessment.
Some other brothers and sisters began looking at me strangely when I would address the Holy Spirit, mention the Great Commission, or when I expressed a desire to live a holy life. They would warn me about becoming legalistic or extreme. Others seemed uncomfortable or avoided certain topics or conversations with me altogether. Some brothers and sisters were more interested in the details of the scandal surrounding my broken engagement than in asking how I was doing or praying with me or even talking about this new found passion.
And still, of course - thank God-, I had brothers and sisters, that simply sat with me through it all that was going on (from coming back to God, falling inot sin, to getting up with new found passion etc.) and prayed for me. I am thankfull for that because the rest that was going on was sad enough. It built me up more than I probably realized.
In other situations, it's things like "Should women preach? Should they wear headscarves when praying or worshiping? Should a woman ask a guy out or propose? Should one quit alcohol altogether? Should we only watch biblical content or listen exclusively to worship music or songs that speak of wholesomeness? Is everyone called to be an evangelist? Why doesn’t healing always happen after prayer?"—these questions always seem to get me in trouble. Man, I’ve heard some awful things among the saints, so many times, to the point that when certain discussions arise, I often choose to stay silent or remove myself from the scene. I’ve learned that my opinions aren’t the common ones.
And I know that sometimes what should be a stimulating conversation—where we can learn from each other, which I truly enjoy—can turn into an emotional discussion or even an argument for some.That goes against my nature. So, even when people ask for my opinion on something, I sometimes hesitate, depending on what I’ve heard them express their convictions to be.
I don’t want to go around triggering everyone or making them feel bad because of something I said. I want to minister love, grace, and mercy first and foremost. But we are also called to speak the truth in love. So I do that, but I find that expressing my opinions this way (through writing) is a better option.People can still laugh at me, shun me, criticize or discredit me, or question my understanding of God, Scripture, and faith. But at least here, there’s no yelling or talking over each other. I think those things hurt Jesus more than we care to realize.
In fact it was a long time after the first time, that it was a nonbeliver getting worked up about something I said I belived and fully am comitted to.
But it did happen sure enough. During my studies in history and antropology, I often was scrutanized, quized and then treated with contempt, because my views and values did not match with sudent life as it is and then during my social studies, I have even been atacked and rediculed simply because I belive in Jesus and I claim the Bible is ALL true and real and because I refuse to back down from the statement, that there is in fact an absolute truth in Jesus.
It hurts in the very moment. However more because of the state of their mind, the depth of being missguided and deceived and the direction their souls are headed to, than the actuall fact of being talked down to or laughed at -in the meantime- a little excluded.
Lord give me wisdom and strategies to show your love in a way that speaks to their heart as well as their intelect !!
I also had to distance myself from friends and asociates, that I was not influencing but that were influencing me for the worse.
That hurt a lot, since we grew up without our outer family in proximity and all have friends that have become family really at some point. But some of these relationships were formed at very dark times in my life and bacame a stronghold or a doorway for sin to keep slipping in or even idols.
No one is beyond salvation. But at the time the Lord asked me to give that up, I was not strong enough in faith to be the one preaching love & freedom to them but rather trying to please everyone & going along with wrong things for the sake of "harmony".
I hope that the Lord will touch them nonetheless and despite my absence in their life.
While it was painful, it was worth getting closer to the best friend there has ever been.
M & M´s
Another cost is one that now seems like nothing compared to when it first began and I first started paying.
I am a very visual and auditory person. Whenever I listen to a song, I start memorizing the lyrics unintentionally. I also have—I'm sure you can relate to this—a very special connection to music, where I don’t just hear it but feel it, sense the tone and mood, or as some would say, "catch the vibe" immediately. Music affects my mood, emotions, and thoughts deeply.Pictures, series, and movies are similar for me.
I have never watched something that hasn't left me in a different state than I was before. In addition to that, I have a photographic memory and a very vivid imagination. There's a fridge magnet at home that says in German, "my head movies deserve Oscars," and that's me—that’s who I am.
Of course, it’s a beautiful thing to get goosebumps simply because the instruments harmonize perfectly, with the drums setting in just right, along with the trumpets in the background. I also think it's a gift to be able to imagine literally anything someone is talking about—so vividly that it becomes a little video clip in my head.Both of these abilities help me communicate emotions, convey humor, and work with different kinds of people. They likely have a prophetic aspect to them too—I’m pretty sure but still figuring out exactly why and how.
However, the enemy has gained access to much of the music and film industry, using it as a primary weapon to influence people all over the world. While technology has brought us much to be grateful for, we should never forget that there is an enemy who hates humanity and works 24/7 to destroy what God created, driven by a raging jealousy that will never be satisfied.
Think about it: when a new movie comes out, the crew tours the world, producers announce premieres, and posters and trailers appear on screens across different countries, on every continent. Everyone with access to a city or an electronic device is aware of the movie's release. For those intrigued enough, the release date becomes a day to anticipate. Every medium-sized cinema has up to 3-4 screening times throughout the day, and almost every city has at least one cinema. Then, there are all the different options we have at home, which we use even more frequently.If I wanted to send a message to as many people as possible, as quickly and accessibly as possible, in this day and age, I would use the media without a second thought—it’s the most logical thing to do.If i was a villain & at war with a nation, I’d first spread fear to win the psychological battle. I’d attack their family structures, moral systems, mental states, physical and emotional health, and intellectual capabilities.
Once that's done, I’d start feeding them exactly what I want them to think, feel, and believe.For those who don’t like movies or series, I’d use a language every human understands—because God intended it that way—music, to achieve the same goal.
I used to hear things like that and thought as long as I kept away from horror, satanic, and psycho content, I’d be fine.
But have you noticed that this goes hand in hand with the very wrong image of a red, creepy Satan with horns and a spiked tail?
As if the Bible doesn’t tell us the opposite. As if we can’t read how deceptive Lucifer is when he comes to "steal, kill, and destroy" (John 10:10).
As if, when we are deceived, it’s because we feel drawn to dark, disturbing, painful, or troublesome things…
Not so. No, we are buying into aesthetics, vibes, and concepts that are alluring, enticing, and welcoming because they transmit a promise of beauty, fulfillment, satisfaction, gratification, happiness, success, health, love, and even hope.
We are sold a lifestyle, an idea, a dream that seems perfect and, therefore, desirable.
The supposedly perfect body shape, in a dress just long enough that even we "Christians" can deem it sanctified enough, paired with the supposed ideal of facial beauty, combined with a life that's just messy enough to seem authentic but not so messy that it becomes repelling.
Thoughts of a main character that are deep enough to speak to our emotions, but not so deep that they compel us to actually ponder essential, existential thoughts.
Hardships difficult enough that we start rooting for the protagonist, designed to capture our sympathy, but not so hard that they require a miracle or faith in a higher being to solve. We see it as an escape and desire it all at once without even noticing. Just another harmless Hallmark movie. Or is it?
If that doesn’t catch your attention, there’s still a whole lot of action, rom-com, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, historical, psycho, musical, sports content... all considered "normal" and "mainstream" but almost always containing elements of violence/anger/revenge, sex/sexual immorality/adultery/fornication/foreplay, darkness/tragedy/trauma, or all three of these.
And if those three are missing, there is always a moral twist, undetected by most viewers until the very end of the movie. It’s often ignored due to ignorance or is sold as a morally complicated but logical consequence of being a victim of some circumstance or another.
And this doesn't even touch on the openly demonic, satanic, or p*rn*graphic content.
These now are like an open invitation bilboards for demons to come party with you and bring their belongings for the stay.
Now, don’t even get me started on music.
The thing that would make you skip a violent, creepy, or explicit scene gets canceled out when you’re not given the obvious picture to go with it. No, here you’re given words to meditate on.
Yes, meditate. Listening repeatedly—or even once—imagining. Now, you’re using your own ability of creating and creativity, which comes from within and is closer to home. You dwell on and memorize the words, and then at some "random" point, you start repeating them until you're singing them back to yourself—earworm style—beginning to feel what the music describes, believing it, and then craving more from that artist, style, direction, or lyrics.
Perfect worship.
But who are you worshipping? Because if the song is not adoring God, you're not worshipping Him. You are worshipping someone or something.
It should be kind of obvious to us that the angelic being once known for creating the most beautiful sound in heaven would somehow use that ability after falling from grace to continue the rebellion he was cast out of heaven for in the first place.
Did you know there are entire studies and theories about the vibration of beats resonating with the water in our bodies, frequencies used for hypnosis, the arrangements of breathing and spoken words that make a mantra a mantra, the chord order that makes an earworm stick, or how to paint vivid pictures with words (you see this in books by talented authors)?
Now, who has access to this knowledge and more?
Yes, your enemy. The one that hates you and is in an ongoing battle for your mind, body and evetually your soul ? Yes, that one. Will he use it against you ! You bet. At every turn, with everything he has.
Where I’m from, it’s well known that music and drums are used in various rituals and as portals for transporting information to the deeper subconscious. Notice that the people doing this are the witch doctors, witches, wizards, occultists, and those who believe in them and their powers, as well as ancestral spirits and the like.
And while it’s obvious to stay away from that side of society as a "real" Christian, it’s sold to us as indie, boho, sensual, mantra, meditation, alternative, new age, pop, rock, hip-hop, R&B, and yes, even classical music.
I recommend diving into that topic just a little bit so you don’t remain ignorant and can realize how a good vibe for 5:40 minutes is not worth it if you are participating in the rituals of people who have sold their souls.
And while you're at it, read into the topic of "artists" selling their souls in the first place. However, I suggest you only consult trustworthy sources, and don’t dwell on it—simply inform yourself.
All that to say, I first went on a fast years ago. I fasted from any secular content produced by the industry. The fast became a lifestyle. Since then, I have watched the occasional Marvel or DC movie, or a 16th-century film, or even started streaming the Lord of the Rings series or similar things. But the truth is, I am not impressed anymore. Almost anything that isn’t directly linked to the Christian faith, or later on to worshipping God, has become unsavory to me, and I just don’t enjoy it anymore.
Worse still, while I never used to detect what was causing a particular dream, earworm, or fantasy... now, as soon as I see something that goes against what is edifying, holy, pure, or true, I can immediately see or feel the effect.
I don’t want this to sound like I’m judging anyone.
I want this to sound like I am tellug you the truth, because that is was this is.
Listen, whenever I would start praying or worshiping or trying to hear God, "out of nowhere" a pop song or rap lyrics would pop up in my mind. I would close my eyes to pray, and the moment I did that, some movie scene would play out in front of my eyes with colors, voices, soundtrack, and everything.
I got so distracted at times that I would stop altogether because it was worse than just focusing on something else.
At some point, I got fed up. I thought, "The Bible says for us to listen to the Shepherd’s voice, but I don't even know it because each time I try to hear it, I hear everything except Him." I then had to change that frustration into zeal. The zeal led to the discipline the Holy Spirit gave me the strength to have ONCE I DECIDED to do something else with MY OWN FREE WILL.
That's when the Lord gave me the revelation. He said something along these lines: "I want to fill you up, but you are already full to the brim and, in fact, spilling out the content of your heart. When you act, talk, think, feel, believe, the content you're filling yourself with is feeding you. So in order for me to be able to fill you, YOU NEED TO EMPTY YOURSELF FIRST."
My response back then was rather immature because I said, "Why don't you just do it, since You're the mighty one and nothing is impossible for You?" He then responded with one of the most profound things that will keep me focused until Jesus returns. He said: "When I created, I created mankind in Our own image. That means I created mankind with a free will, and then I said it is good. I am a never-changing God because I am perfection. When I speak a word, IT IS. I will not change my word to fit your opinion on how I should do things, but once you understand who I am—and that makes you understand who you are—you will crave to change your ways to fit My opinion. I created you with free will because that is love. Anything else would be control, manipulation, and trickery, which amounts to witchcraft. But I AM HOLY. Therefore, there is no deceit in Me. So you are free to choose Me back, after I chose you before you were even born. However, if you choose Me back and you choose to give Me your life, I will fill you up with Me."
Just think about how logical that is.
The more you want to install this program on your MacBook, the more you're willing to delete stuff that's taking up space. At some point, you're even ready to simply wipe the whole thing until the only programs left are the internal clock, calendar, calculator, notepad, and App Store itself.
That's the final stage of coming into the fullness of God. Coming into full agreement with His will. Coming to terms with giving up your life—literally giving UP—to Christ is coming to terms with living for Christ alone until He returns and reconciles us back to Him in perfection. And then all of a sudden, Paul's words, "...to live is Christ and to die is gain," start making a WHOLE LOT OF SENSE.But Elo, do you really never listen to secular music?
I go shopping, I meet people, sit in cafés, hear advertisements, etc. Of course, secular music enters my ears in everyday life. But—and here is the key—I am already full, y'all. So now it might enter my ears, but since I have been dwelling on other things, heavenly things, worshiping Elohim, all of a sudden, the music does not stick to me as it used to. It does not influence me anymore because I have been eating real joy, happiness, love, life, light, truth, honor, grace, etc. And then all of a sudden, you start "randomly" humming the bridge of the last worship song you heard, that might go "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty" instead of a party song about "how to drop it in the club."
Suddenly, God has direct access to your ears, and each time something sounds like God, you hear it and acknowledge it.
Suddenly, it does not take you an hour of blocking lustful, jealous, selfish, dark thoughts before you can get on your knees and pray. Instead, you are constantly praying because the Holy Spirit is constantly able to refer to what you have been filled with.
But yes, on my own accord, I do not listen to secular music. There is, of course, music that is secular but still wholesome and edifying, or even just a good mood, upbeat song.
I think that's really nice and also a testimony of the world actually yearning for these things.
I just have gotten so used to worship music—and that even excludes a lot of "Christian" music, to be honest—that it fills my musical experience to a very satisfying stage.
Within that, I love to explore because I love that we are created so diverse, so worship music sounds so different all around the world. So you'll find playlists like "fav. English worship cutie," "fav. Malawi worship," "Israel," in my Spotify account.
I also really, really enjoy soundtracks, film music, and classical music. However, I have had to delete some of them because a soundtrack might have me relive a movie I used to like or watch, that is not part of my walk with Christ anymore.
When it comes to movies? Same principle. Here it's even easier to sort out because if you have the spirit of discernment, it's so obviously "hidden in plain sight" what the movie is selling you. The trailer is like the ingredient list on the back of a product at the supermarket. You then have the choice of putting it back on the shelf or buying it and then consuming it, which is coming to terms and agreement of internalizing what they told you you will be internalizing.
If there are fats, sugar, color, chemicals, and a bunch of unreadable names you can't even make out, but you eat it, you are still agreeing to it changing your body.
Same thing if you see drugs, sex, violence, money, greed, and some unidentified stuff in the trailer, the album sneak peek, or the cover, or description and you consume it? You HAVE agreed for it to change your inside. But again, this is me. Not my standard for people I meet and know.
My recommendation for the ones I am teaching, yes. But it's not my bragging right or finger-pointing reference. It is me actually being vulnerable, honest, and authentic with you.I simply do not do it anymore.
Yes, it was hard at first. But the benefit was evident in the day-to-day improvement of communication with the only One I am here to please. And then it became a pleasure. Now, it's even an inspiration to go and write my own music, that's a little bit more diverse than mainstream Western worship—sorry y'all, no hate here, just my appetite for more.
"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."
Proverbs 23:7
Dying to Self
I will have to make a whole chapter on this one because there is so much gold to be found here that I cannot do it justice by inserting it into another post.
But what I will say is this: the more self there is in me, the more likely I am to be selfish, and that amounts to me being a walking, talking trigger for others and a magnet for sinfulness and blindness. By doing that, I am not only living opposed to my role model, but I am also hurting myself due to the reactions of others and the world to my selfishness—seemingly unjustified according to my own assessment—while also hurting others, who will then go and hurt others, who will then hurt others, and so on, thereby feeding into the darkness and brokenness of the world while praying for God's kingdom to come.
See how that doesn't work? You cannot live divided within yourself.
That's most likely what's tearing you apart and making the yoke so hard, heavy, and difficult.No. If we are the temple and God has come to dwell in us, we need to let Him mold us into walking ambassadors of God's Kingdom. To do that, we need to die first so that we can be raised again with Christ and into Christlikeness!
The best part is this: while you are doing this NOT FOR GOD but WITH GOD—because you have understood His love for you AND the rest of the world—instead of losing, you start gaining the things that truly matter to God. Because your heart is becoming more and more like His, you start enjoying the same things God enjoys.
All of a sudden, while dying to yourself and freely giving up your entire life—just as Jesus, who is now your role model, did—you are blessed with a totally new life that is more fulfilling than you could have imagined because you are now within your own purpose—which is God—and His kingdom is coming through you. And His kingdom cannot come through you unless you have destroyed your own kingdom. His will cannot be done in your life as it is in heaven unless you have given up your own will. Christ cannot live through you—repairing, redeeming, healing, saving, bringing life, etc.—unless you die to yourself.
But! The kingdom coming through you, the will of God being done by you, and you living for Christ will leave you unrecognizable even to yourself.
It is a miracle for me to be sitting here, writing this, when I was supposed to have been gone a long time ago.
But can I tell you? The joy of the Lord truly is my strength!
I am here to tell truths, not fairy tales. So I will not end this paragraph without saying this: IT IS HARD. We do live in a fallen world, and we have let Satan govern it. We are BEING perfected but are not there yet. That's why it's hard—not because it has to be or was meant to be, but because the idea of fully dying makes us afraid of losing, when the result is, in fact, the opposite.
Yes, it is a day-to-day choice of letting God be your banner, comfort, help, guide, justice, corrector, and your Creator who is molding you into the person He created you to be in the first place.
ALLOW IT! Allow death to self.
It is worth it.
That is when HIS KINGDOM COMES. And there is no better kingdom than His.
All this is not just behavior; it’s a lifestyle that allows Jesus to truly be the way, the truth, and the life in my story and gives room for the Holy Spirit to work through me.
There is a lot more I have not covered, but that will be addressed in the different sections of my journal.
Thank you, and be blessed! <3